This is Hard! 

My dear sweet daughter, Kiley, lost her baby last night. 

She miscarried. 

Here is the last picture of our “Little Bean” that was taken weeks ago. This little one does not look like this now in heaven. I am convinced of this. But, he/she is a cute little bean.

It’s so hard when you see yourself already holding this little one that you have loved from the first moment of knowledge. 

As a mother and grandmother, my heart is profoundly broken. 

Yet, there is so much to learn and to derive from this experience. 

Don’t misunderstand me-I’ve been crying all day. I’ve watched my daughter and son-in-law quietly grieve their loss as they comfort one another. Eli- 8 years-old-gets it and really knows how to comfort as he love pats his mommy and hugs her. Coco, in her own little grieving way, announced the fact several times, and Charley, sensing something was wrong, just wanted to be held. 

Bill and I are at a loss. Yes, one more little person does certainly make for tighter quarters as we all share this home together, but we were overjoyed that the little one was coming and could hardly wait. Oh boy, number eight grand child. 😦 

Kate and Bret and their family feel helpless and feel the loss so profoundly. They already counted this one among the cousins and the family at large. Maybe this one would be a boy and even out the ever looming larger numbers of the girls. 🙂

BD was saddened by the news and quick to point out that we have never been here before with this kind of loss. He loves his nieces and nephews so much as they also adore him. 

God is driving home in my heart that He is sovereign. He does not make mistakes. Yes, the world seemingly runs amok, but that’s sin, not Him. He has a plan-always! I depend on it. It gives me peace.

One of my co-workers today saw me grieving and let me know that “You are a believer. You know that there is a purpose and meaning in this whole thing.” I agreed and checked my heart to make sure I believed it. I DO!! Thanks Sherry! 

Doesn’t mean we don’t grieve. 

Carol reminded me today that the prophet Jeremiah stated, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…” God knows this little one and now is with Him. Carol lost four babies and knows how to comfort the broken heart in this whole hurtful loss. Thanks Carol for so much more. Thanks for your comfort and friendship.

The other very vivid realization I had, was that Lucy, our dearly departed Nana-Grandmother extraordinaire, who went home several years ago, now has a beautiful Heter grandchild in her arms. As I write this, I am nearly broken in two. I am glad to share with her. My heart’s desire was to grandparent with her and my other grandmother, Laurie Kendall. We called ourselves the Co-Madres-mother-in-laws- in Spanish. And now, I say, enjoy this little one until we arrive and then she can share with me. 🙂 

We can grieve this little one. We have also received much comfort. Kiley’s sweet friend, Tenille, just recently lost her little one in the same manner. She has comforted Kiley so much today. I Corinthians 1:2 says that “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 

It is always important for me to remember that all have suffered in one way or another and need comfort and can comfort because of it. No one is alone in this and we all, at one time or another, need comfort and compassion. 

We grieve. We grieve with hope. (I Thess 4:13) We still grieve. But not forever. 

His mercies are new every morning. We can depend on it. Mercy that pours over our heads with blessing and good gifts. Good things from the Father of Lights that longs to grow our faith, comfort our souls, give us peace and rest, and above all else, gives us life. Not just on this world, but forever. Faith that saves for eternity in our dear Lord. 

I am a clinger!! I cling tight, hold on for dear life and never say never. Ha! Well, as I have said in the past, this little one lost today, just loosened my fingers a bit more from this life to look forward to the next. 

Be comforted my sweet daughter-mother of four. God knows. We are also here with you and for you. I love you more than words. Rest my dear girl. Rest.

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